Is this the worst poem ever written?

Matt Haig’s poem about beach bodies featured in Meghan Markle’s guest edit of Vogue .



Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle has guest-edited the September edition of British Vogue.

Predictably, it is packed full of woke celebrities and causes, from climate change to body image. It also features a poem by Matt Haig – ‘A note from the beach’ – which might be the worst poem ever written.

The poem is about the pressure (coming, ironically, from magazines like Vogue) to get the perfect beach body. Only it’s told from the perspective of the beach. ‘Hello. I am the beach’, it begins, later adding: ‘I am entirely indifferent to your body mass index.’

This morning, Haig read out the poem on the Today programme. You really have to hear it to believe it:

Has Her Royal Highness discovered the next poet laureate?

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T.P. Bunghole

1st August 2019 at 2:16 pm

Not a patch on this little gem from Joe Dunthorne, published by the New Statesman for some reason known only to themselves:-

I love pigeons even
when their claws are stumps
and they walk as though in heels.
I love guinea pigs
for the idea they are in some way
a pig. Their heartbeats make their bodies
vibrate. I like to pretend
to answer them. Whom may I say is speaking?
I love football. More people love football
than love social justice
but that doesn’t mean football
isn’t brilliant. Whenever I head the ball
I feel a poem evaporate.
I hate the bit of the poem
where you’re obliged
to hate something.
I love the piano.
I love true crime.
I love the sun
when it arrives
like a tray
of drinks.

T.P. Bunghole

1st August 2019 at 2:19 pm

It’s called “Poem in which I practice happiness”, which is ironic seeing as I am unable to contemplate its existence without immediately becoming very, very angry about the affront to our cultural heritage.

Hana Jinks

31st July 2019 at 1:32 pm

Gosh. What japes. Bitching about poets.

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