Literally anything can be ‘Islamophobic’ in Green la-la land

You know you’re in People’s Front of Judea territory when the GEWs (Greens of England and Wales) decree that the majority of JEWs (Jews Everywhere in the World) are ‘racist’. Meanwhile, the party’s Muslim Greens grouping recently published a handy guide to what is and isn’t ‘Islamophobic’.

It turns out, pretty much everything is! Including, but not limited to, the following:

1) Criticising the Koran

The guidance warns against saying that the teachings of the Koran are backwards, because nothing says forward-thinking like a pre-Enlightenment ban on questioning religion.

2) Speaking up against Islam’s treatment of women

Koran 2:223 says wives are like farmland that husbands can cultivate as they please. Which, to be fair, is closer than the Green Party has come to discussing agriculture all year.

3) Saying that Islam isn’t a massive fan of the gays

Not a single Muslim country in the world permits or recognises same-sex marriage or lets gay couples adopt. But according to the Muslim Greens, this is all the fault of the Brits.

The guidance says: ‘Queerphobic legislation in many Muslim-majority countries is deeply tied to colonialism.’ Apparently, the British Empire made them do it and has forced them to continue doing it enthusiastically ever since.

4) Going to the pub

Yes, apparently having too many Green Party meetings and social events in venues with alcohol present is racist. Given that Wetherspoons is the closest thing Britain has to a place of worship, I find this one deeply offensive.

Confused? You’re not alone. The Greens seem to have abandoned saving the planet in favour of a much more achievable pastime: making everything racist. It’s a bit like that game show, Is It Cake?, except instead of cutting open a handbag to reveal layers of sponge and jam, you dissect every political opinion to unveil a hidden hate crime.

Almost anything could be racist and you wouldn’t even know it. The guidance encourages Muslims to join the Greens because they ‘speak out on oppression everywhere’. But careful! It also says that if you assume a Muslim is oppressed, you might be being Islamophobic. Is it solidarity? Is it prejudice? Gotcha! It was cake all along! And now you’ve been referred to a disciplinary committee.

According to the Greens, the one thing that is definitely not racist is calling for the abolition of the world’s only Jewish state. Having spent years telling everyone that Israel needs to respect Palestinian sovereign territory, many of these activists are now admitting that what they really meant was: Make Israel Greater Palestine Again! Which looks a bit like cake to me.

I went to some of the demonstrations against the bombing of Gaza at the beginning of the war. Back then, I thought a lot of the allegations in the media of anti-Semitism were over-egged. But now, no one’s even pretending. At the pro-Palestine demonstrations this 7 October, and at the demonstration for the third anniversary of the bombardment of Gaza on Saturday, protesters variously performed the Sieg Heil, shouted ‘Long live Hamas!’ and called the 7 October attackers ‘glorious martyrs’.

To be fair, I had an inkling. Speaking to lefty friends from east London, many of whom vote Green, I’ve always encountered a worrying sympathy for another party with green branding from a constituency a little bit further east. I guess there’s some common ground. Both Hamas and the Greens believe in the end of days, though they may disagree on whether it’ll be caused by carbon emissions or things that are haram. Either way, they’ll find shared interest in working out how the Jews had a hand in it.

Meanwhile, Green Party discussions of the massacres in Sudan and Congo have been about as popular as Mecca Gay Pride. In fact, Green activists themselves have had to submit motions urging their own leadership to ‘break the silence’ on Sudan, where Arab militias have been slaughtering non-Arab communities.

I’ve voted for the Greens before and have plenty of friends who support them. Most admit some of the Greens’ behaviour is loony, but they give them a pass because they don’t believe they will ever wield any real power.

A similar logic seems to explain the willingness of parts of the Western left to excuse regressive attitudes in Islam or massacres by Hamas. When you’re the underdog, apparently, the normal rules of morality don’t apply. A little rape and murder can be overlooked in the name of ‘resistance’.

But isn’t that precisely the problem? The things people are willing to overlook because a movement has no power are the very reasons to fear what it might do if it gets some.

Personally, I’d rather the Greens went back to the environmental stuff instead of allowing the TikTok algorithm to dictate their policy portfolio. On the Muslim Greens’ website, the word ‘climate’ appears just twice: once about protecting Allah’s creation and the other referring to the ‘climate of hostility’ caused by ‘harmful narratives’.

But I suppose asking the Greens to concentrate on actual green issues is probably racist, too.

Heydon Prowse is a satirist, filmmaker and writer. Find him on Substack and Instagram.