In defence of Sydney Sweeney’s breasts – again

I regret to inform you that I am once again writing about Sydney Sweeney’s boobs – but only because her body parts are all over the news again.

The Euphoria and White Lotus star has just released a new advert for sports-betting site Novig, in which she wears nothing but strategically placed sports equipment and says the word ‘sports’ over and over again, to mesmerising effect.

Needless to say, Sweeney has pulled off another marketing triumph. The risqué ad will no doubt function in much the same way as chum does when tossed into a cage full of hungry sharks: initiating a feeding frenzy of horny men – oneshotted by Sweeney’s sex appeal – who will immediately subscribe to Novig.

Mine might be a minority opinion, but I imagine having America’s greatest set of tits actually presents something of a problem. That is, whatever you do, your tits are there as well. And those puppies generate a lot of attention. Perhaps some girls find this idea appealing – I do not. But clever Miss Sweeney has turned this burden into an asset. As American Eagle jeans discovered last year, Sweeney’s breasts are endowed with a magical power that moves serious amounts of product.

The Novig ad has, of course, generated controversy. Admittedly, it is of questionable taste. Most especially the frame in which she is squatting – fully naked – atop the ring of a basketball hoop, which calls to mind bathroom activity and is, frankly, gross.

But I still cannot help but roll my eyes at her haters. Complaining about Sydney Sweeney’s hotness only ever comes across as churlish and jealous.

Now a host of female athletes has taken to social media to voice their outrage. ‘Sydney Sweeney, this is what women in sports look like’, posted one sanctimonious British sprinter on Instagram. But Sweeney is not in women’s sport. She’s an actress advertising a betting company.

Here’s a free piece of advice to these pearl-clutching women athletes: if you don’t like the ad, don’t buy the product.

Besides, let’s not forget that, for many years now, female sports have been at the centre of one of the most outrageous scandals in living memory: the often successful effort to allow men to compete as women, and against women, thus depriving women athletes of their deserved victories and their basic human dignity. My research has found that none of the sportswomen publicly condemning Sweeney has said a single solitary thing about that.

So I will not be lectured to by a class of women who said nothing after watching a male boxer beat the living shit out of a female boxer at the Olympics, who remained silent after girls spoke out about the grotesque violation of being forced to share a changing room with boys, who expressed no umbrage after their fellow XX-chromosome athletes described the devastation of losing to a man.

Putting the virtue-signalling hypocrisy of her critics aside, it is rather amusing how over-the-top the ad is. ‘They wanted to show just sports’, Sydney intones in the commercial, rather disingenuously, because, as she says it, she is sitting naked on top of a basketball hoop. Uh, Sydney, babes, I have some bad news. By being photographed naked but for an American football over your nethers (which looks a bit like the back of a person’s head, if you catch my drift) and protection pads covering only half of your breasts, the focus of the average sports fan who is viewing the ad is not – in any way – on sports.

But sure, have at it! The people working themselves into a lather are simply picking the lowest-hanging fruit. Sweeney is already right-wing coded, mostly for her refusal to comment publicly on politics. So by ganging up on her, her haters have nothing to lose. It’s a low-stakes fight – unlike, say, the one to ban all boys and men from competing against females.

The final score is in: Sweeney 2. Scolds 0.