Tyranny comes to Hyde Park

Middle-class busybodies and jobsworth cops are ruining this country.

Brendan O'Neill

‘Can I ask what exercise you’re doing, sir, apart from exercising your thumbs?’ The copper is wearing a perfect sneer. I get the impression he has been waiting his entire jobsworth’s life to be able to reprimand someone for sitting on a park bench and writing a text message. ‘I’ve been cycling and walking and now I’m resting for a couple of minutes’, I say, horrified by my own words; horrified that I am having to explain perfectly lawful, perfectly safe behaviour to an agent of the state as if I were in the Soviet Union rather than sitting by the Serpentine in the heart of London. ‘Well, move on’, he says, balefully and gleefully, like a character from a Kafka novel.

Like all Londoners, I love Hyde Park. It isn’t even really a park, as many writers over the decades have observed: it’s a chunk of countryside plonked in the middle of a mettlesome city, never changing, however much its surroundings might. It is wide and rambling and free. But today I hated it. It is swarming with police. They’re whizzing round on bicycles, seeking out couples sitting under trees to tell off. They’re marching around the perimeter barking ‘TWO METRES’ at people who are far more than two metres apart. They’re driving around in vans, polluting this wonderful space with their exhaust fumes and their diktats shouted from the vans’ windows. One van cop driving past the Serpentine yells ‘No sitting down’ at a man sitting down. I take a photo of the scene and quick as a flash the van stops in front of me. ‘I thought I’d stop and say hello while you’re YouTubing us simply for reminding people of the government guidelines’, the policeman in the front seat says. Oh fuck off.

Here’s the thing: Hyde Park on this gloriously sunny day is proof that the people of this city are taking the lockdown seriously. It has staggeringly fewer people than it normally would on a warm Sunday. And those who are here are observing the social-distancing guidelines impeccably. They’re stepping aside as they pass each other on pathways and giving each other a nod or a smile. Cyclists are staying far apart. It’s one person per bench, until my miserabilist copper moves them on, that is. Don’t believe the middle-class busybodies, tinpot authoritarians and Piers bloody Morgan (what a disappointment he turned out to be) of the Covid-Stasi who say people are flouting the guidelines left, right and centre. It isn’t true. That is naked prejudice born of a couple of photos taken by tragic snitches showing people walking past each other in parks. Call the cops!

And yet despite the people in Hyde Park behaving responsibly and decently, the police will not leave them alone. After taking the piss out of me for exercising my thumbs – cop humour, eh? – that policeman tells a young family to keep moving. The very young kids might be tired, but tough: get the hell out of here, diseased plebs. A cop on a bike tells a man sitting under a tree, on his own and with not another soul in sight, to stop being selfish and go home. ‘It’s time to think of others, isn’t it?’, he says. That’s when I flip. I ask him what law he is using to send the man home. ‘The guidelines’, he says. ‘Everyone is supposed to be at home this weekend.’ I point out that there is no law forbidding people from going out this weekend. We can still exercise, we can still shop, we can still buy food in order to, you know, stay alive. And, I kid you not, he told me that the law is a poor law and he is taking it upon himself to remind people that staying home is the right option. This is outrageous. I tell him that people like him are merely meant to enforce the law drafted by elected politicians, not make up their own laws. He cycles off, laughing.

How did we become this country so quickly? How did Hyde Park so swiftly go from being an open, free space to a place virtually occupied by police who are reprimanding people for doing nothing wrong? Indeed, the only people I saw breaking the social-distancing guidelines in Hyde Park today were police officers. Including the one who got up in my face and told me off for texting. Back off, copper – I don’t know what you’ve got. That’s the thing: the speed with which this has all happened, the ease with which police took to their new role of reprimanding perfectly legal and safe behaviour, the glee with which moralistic hacks and curtain-twitching tweeters embraced their role as grasses naming and shaming people for sitting in a park, confirms that this rotten culture was already here. Covid-19 may be a new arrival, but this elitist, evangelical authoritarianism has been brewing for decades, and the virus is merely the catalyst for its rancid explosion into every corner of public life.

I leave the park. I can’t bear to stay in it a moment longer. Outside Marble Arch station two men are violently fighting, over a bicycle it seems. There isn’t a policeman in sight.

Brendan O’Neill is editor of spiked and host of the spiked podcast, The Brendan O’Neill Show. Subscribe to the podcast here. And find Brendan on Instagram: @burntoakboy

Help spiked prick the Covid consensus

So here we are – 15 weeks into Britain’s three-week lockdown. We hope you are all staying sane out there, and that spiked has been of some assistance in that. We have ramped up our output of late, to provide a challenge to the Covid consensus. But we couldn’t have done that without your support. spiked – unlike so many things these days – is completely free. We rely on our loyal readers to fund our journalism. So if you enjoy our work, please do consider becoming a regular donor. Even £5 per month can be a huge help. You can donate here.Thank you! And stay well.

Donate now

To enquire about republishing spiked’s content, a right to reply or to request a correction, please contact the managing editor, Viv Regan.


Richard Lawson

9th April 2020 at 1:34 pm

This is bizarre. I live in NYC, supposedly the epicenter. I visit Central Park each day and families are having picnics and couples lying down reading, which is fine because are keeping social distance from others.

VInkhad Khan

8th April 2020 at 11:20 pm

What a truly inaccurate, poorly put together and testy little piece this is! You surely cannot have failed to have noticed the reams of joggers sweating and panting over each other before spitting and emptying the contents of their nasal cavities into the atmosphere? The bench sitters who are expressing their right to watch the world go by yet embarrassingly start ‘limbering up’ at the first sign of PC Plod. The personal trainers with their half a dozen punters closely sweating over each other, who of course all live in the same household! Those that pre March never set foot in a park but now add to the footfall as ‘it’s their right’. The cyclists who confuse 2 metres with 2cm as they routinely ‘wing’ pedestrians the length of The Broadwalk, oh and on cyclists not one disinfects the Santander bikes before hiring them immediately after a total stranger. Lastly there’s the group of users that ‘hop on a bus’ from Shepherds Bush, Ealing etc to take their entitled excercise in Hyde Park. I sadly believe it’s up to at least 8 TfL bus drivers that have died in the pandemic. The local police in Hyde itself I’ve always found quite amiable and those that don’t walk or cycle use the hybrid cars so that was a poor attempt at playing the green card. The police numbers in the park may have been buoyed by Westminster officers displaced by the lack of tourists elsewhere. Are The Royal Parks part of this dreadful tyranny by shortening opening times and shutting car parks to thin out visitors or is it just the police your cheap shooting extends to? They are after all just the puppets of very hastily cobbled legislation makers whose laws are indeed open to some interpretation. Maybe we could just all act like responsible adults to lessen the time period that they actually have to try to enforce these measures? Finally I wonder why that officer did indeed cycle off laughing. Maybe you told him you write for The Sun? That is funny!

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to comment. Log in or Register now.