So that’s it. It’s over. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin have split up, filed for divorce, or, in the words of the bizarre press-release-cum-sermon posted on Goop, Paltrow’s website, ‘consciously uncoupled’.
‘It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate’, read the post, appearing on Tuesday. ‘[W]e have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much, we will remain separate.’ In lieu of getting ‘divorced’, although one assumes they’ll still do that anyway, they plan to embark on a semi-spiritual process of ‘consciously uncoupling’. Paltrow even included a handy New Age essay on the subject of ‘consciously uncoupling’ at the bottom of her post, penned by two leading authorities on said nonsense.
It’s going to be a hard time for anyone who believes in love, who believes that even if you’re a complete mug you’ll eventually find another complete mug to spend the rest of your life with. Paltrow and Martin made it look so effortless. But after a 10-year marriage, which produced two kids with stupid names, they’ve gone their separate ways.
Or maybe it’s not so sad. Because, it seems – shock, horror! – that Gwynnie and Chris’s spiritual departure from one another has been met with nothing but scoffs and guffaws in the press and across the internet. It was only a matter of hours after the message was posted that the sneering began. Comedians on Twitter joked about the number of McDonald’s breakfasts Martin will have consumed after breaking free of Paltrow’s vegan regime. The Guardian’s Anne Perkins declared the Goop post ‘deluded tosh’, arguing it would give little comfort to normal people riding out an on-the-rocks relationship.
By the end of the day, the plays on ‘conscious uncoupling’ had been all but exhausted. One writer joked that ‘unconscious coupling’ was, in their experience, the best way to get over an ex. Things got so nasty, even the uber-acerbic Vice felt moved to mount a defence of Martin and Paltrow.