Why the posh and prissy don’t do patriotism

It seems members of the British establishment are getting it – albeit slowly. They haven’t quite learned their lesson yet about how the common people react, how they raise the flags and rally in defiance when they finally can’t take another decade of the liberal elite doing down the country they love. But they are getting there.

Some, however, are still struggling to work out what people might love about this nation – certainly if ‘What’s so great about Britain?’, a new celebrity ‘survey’ from GQ magazine, is anything to go by. In this feature, ’14 very modern icons’, including Emma Thompson, Ian Wright, Anthony Joshua, Munroe Bergdorf, Brian Cox, Jade Thirlwall, Chloe Kelly, Amelia Dimoldenberg and Mr Blobby, ‘weigh in on what it truly means to be British in 2025’.

Those involved (especially the first and the last; only one of them’s a figure of fun, and it’s not the one we’re meant to consider so) give us a clue that it will be a fairly sickening survey. Not actual throwing-up level, but definitely a bit of vomit in the mouth. The intro, however, goes full sick-bag:

‘The Oasis reunion. Nationalised healthcare. Sir David Attenborough. Bannau Brycheiniog. Highland tweed. Baked beans and Barbour coats. There are some things about Britain that are universally, undeniably great. But, let’s be honest, there are plenty of others – income inequality, racist riots, crumbling schools and roads and fading institutions – that are not. If you listen to either side of our rancorous politics, Britain is broken… for all its flaws, Britain still draws people from every corner of the world – sometimes even those willing to risk everything to reach it.’

They just can’t help themselves, can they, the stuck-record scolds?

First of all, the enjoyable things about the survey. You can just imagine every race-baiting miss and mister from Thirlwall to Bergdorf scowling at the beautifully straightforward responses from unashamedly patriotic black Britons like Anthony Joshua: ‘Do I identify as British? Yeah, of course I do.’ Or Ian Wright: ‘My parents are Jamaican, but I’m English and British first. When I was younger, people would say, “Well, where’d you come from?”. I’d say, “I come from England”.’

Compare those to the get-me-aren’t-I-unique answers on how they ‘identify’ from the pink-hued brigade, like that of Amelia Dimoldenberg: ‘I really connect way more with being a Londoner than I do maybe being British’, she says. Or from Mr Blobby: ‘Blobby.’

When asked what Britishness means, Ian Wright isn’t having any nonsense: ‘Patriotism – long live the king, the queen; “stiff upper lip” and all that sort of stuff. A nice cup of tea, whatever the time, whatever the day, wherever you are. That kind of energy.’

And I can imagine Anthony Joshua’s answer causing a mass fainting fit among his co-respondents with this answer:

‘Conquering the world! You come to Greece and they’re like “Alexander the Great!”. Be proud, innit? Brits went out there and conquered the fucking world. It’s unbelievable. What an achievement. The whole bloody world speaks English or wants to learn English! How mad is that?’

Then there’s Chloe Kelly, another BS-free sportsperson, fresh from her victorious ‘I’m so proud to be English!’ shocker after her Euros win. She describes what being British means to her as: ‘Holding their own. No matter when you’re doubted, you want to show exactly what you’re capable of – when we’re going down, fighting back again.’ Take that, Emma Thompson!

Ah, Dame Emma, originator of the classic Brexit-loathing line about our nation being a ‘tiny little cloud-bolted, rainy corner of sort-of Europe, a cake-filled misery-laden grey old island’. (Bet she doesn’t bash cake as a leftover relic of empire any more, now that Bake Off’s gone all diverse!)

There’s a photograph of her in the GQ survey, wearing jewellery by De Beers, as are several of the ladies (an odd choice, considering that De Beers profited from the savage exploitation of black South Africans during Apartheid). But there are no apparent answers in the feature from Thompson. Is she too grand to get down-and-dirty opining with lesser celebs? Or were her answers just so flamboyantly, gloriously, self-incriminatingly tittish that GQ did the decent thing and sat on them for her own good?

Still, she wouldn’t be any match for the patriots on board, anyway. Asked if Britain is fair, Joshua comes out with the killer punch we expect by now:

‘It’s very fair. I was on Jobseeker’s Allowance growing up and it was a blessing at a time when I was young and looking for work. Now I’m an athlete, I’ve got my own company, I pay my own taxes. It’s a lot, but it’s the game. I go back home, I’ve got the council who come and take my bins. I’ve got 24-hour electric. My son goes to a good school. And for me, just the NHS, bro. I’ve had family in there, and these people are lifesavers, and that’s free.’

There’s no stopping this man, is there? Even when asked, ‘What makes us embarrassed to be British?’, he replies: ‘Embarrassed? Nothing.’

Here’s Ian Wright:

‘I don’t want to be negative about our country that I’ve grown up in and it’s given me and my family a lot of opportunities. We could talk about the negative things that come with being a black person, but why? There’s loads of things that can be done better for everybody.’

In contrast, Amelia Dimoldenberg, Ambika Mod and Jade Thirlwall (a kind of updated woke version of the Three Stooges) moan about Reform, racist statues and the alleged persecution of transvestites as reasons to be embarrassed. Then they go in for a cursory bashing of Brexit and the mandatory hosanna-ing to the NHS.

Bergdorf’s selfishness regarding the NHS is at least unintentionally funny:

‘I had to wait two years for when I transitioned in 2012, and now it’s a seven to 10 year wait just for a first appointment. That’s not even to get hormones; you’ve got a two-year wait after that. No one should have to wait for the best part of a decade in order to just be seen. People are dying on those lists.’

Sorry, but no one dies from the lack of a fake vagina.

It’s always interesting when the question ‘Is Britain a good country?’ is asked, which it is in many different ways here. ‘Compared to what other ones?’ is always my immediate response. Many of the world’s nations are dictatorships, whether atheist or Islamist, and no one in their right mind could possibly prefer them. Then there’s – hiss! – Trump’s America, which most of this lot probably consider worse than the dictatorships. Then there’s big sunny Europe, a gâteaux-filled joyous wonderland – but oops, lots of Europeans are transpiring to be even keener on populism than we are, even the proud creators of the panettone and the profiterole!

But it’s not just in comparison, I still love this country, only slightly less than I used to, to quote one reason why – only we could have created Morrissey. The list goes on. The Industrial Revolution. Winning the Second World War. The Kinks. Drunken sex. TERFs. I could take all day, because my love is genuine. Not – the exemplary and likeable sportspeople aside – a series of poses struck by a bunch of shallow, hectoring hypocrites who think that what would really improve the country is getting rid of the people who love it – and filling it with them and their desiccated, deranged, dour kind.

Julie Burchill is a spiked columnist. Follow her Substack, Notes from the Naughty Step, here