When Trump came to town

Donald Trump became the first sitting US president to enjoy a second full state visit to the UK. And by comparison with his first, way back in 2019, this time around was considerably less marred or, if you prefer, enlivened, by activist interventions.

Of course, Trump remains an unparalleled lightning rod for everything that the left finds most inexplicable about the world’s stubborn refusal to bend to its will. A coalition of cranks, Green Party MPs and Nish Kumar, known ambitiously as ‘Stop Trump’, gathered in Parliament Square on Wednesday, following a promotional video featuring the rising star of the left, Zoe Gardner, and a lurid fantasy of our future in five short years if Trump’s wheels so much as touched down at Stansted.

Despite having set themselves up for inevitable failure with that name, members of the Stop Trump coalition seemed to enjoy themselves bouncing around purple JD Vance balloons, apparently oblivious to the fact that these are a right-wing meme.

Afterwards, an abandoned sign leaning plaintively against a stacked barrier read ‘Dear world, we’re really sorry, sincerely, most Americans’. Reassuring perhaps to those who have persuaded themselves that this man represents a far-right takeover rather than the clearly expressed preference of the democratic majority. Reassuring, but deluded.

Still, that six-metre-high inflatable of a be-quiffed nappy-wearing orange toddler, the formerly much-trumpeted Trump blimp, was this time nowhere to be seen. Instead protesters dragged around a life-sized effigy of Trump with a realistic bloodied bandage over one ear, and the words ‘Make Fascists Afraid Again!’ on its red MAGA hat.

Given how close Trump came to being murdered on such a pretext just over a year ago, to say nothing of the still vivid memory of Charlie Kirk’s assassination, this was in pretty poor taste. It seemed to confirm suspicions that the left have no interest in ‘dialling down the rhetoric’.

Slightly more eye-catching but no less wearily predictable were the images of Trump palling around with Jeffrey Epstein that briefly adorned the walls of Windsor Castle, thanks to everyone’s favourite close-harmony twactivists, Led by Donkeys. There is a palpable tang of a craft IPA well past its sell-by date surrounding the Mumford and Sons of agitprop these days, but at least they’ve moved on from harassing Liz Truss, I suppose.

Meanwhile, the main event itself proceeded smoothly enough. In contravention of well-established protocols for American tourists, Trump entered through the gift shop, beginning his two day visit at Windsor Castle with more pageantry, pomp and circumstance than Olivier’s Henry V. He seemed to avoid that ever so slightly gauche hesitancy that had characterised his manner with the queen in 2019.

No one drew attention to the first lady’s hat, a vast unsupported canopy that was a triumph of civil engineering as much as millinery. It might have been a nod to the recent state-side revival of interest in UFOs. A horse-drawn carriage procession – so much better than donkeys – drew cheerfully approving crowds, followed by a 41-gun royal salute and a wreath-laying at St George’s Chapel on Queen Elizabeth II’s tomb – a poignant nod to shared history and what is already being looked back on as a simpler, more comprehensible time.

That evening, a glittering state banquet at Windsor Castle hosted 160 dignitaries, including Apple CEO Tim Cook and, remarkably, media mogul Rupert Murdoch. I say remarkably because the 94-year-old is currently being sued by Trump for a story published in his Wall Street Journal – one that the Donkeys’ slideshow hoped to amplify.

Aerial shots of the table were astonishing – this was a banquet that beggared belief. According to the Guardian, guests were serenaded by an orchestra playing ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ by the Rolling Stones. This was presumably to foreshadow the prospect of grittier negotiations the following day between Trump and the UK prime minister. Whether they considered ‘Sympathy for the Devil’ is not recorded. A little too on the nose perhaps with the ghost of Epstein ever present at the feast.

In toasts, Trump hailed the UK as America’s ‘irreplaceable and unbreakable’ ally, a gratifying assessment from a man not known to lavish unsupported superlatives around, and King Charles emphasised mutual commitments to peace and prosperity. Melania meanwhile put everyone in the shade, in a yellow gown that would have outshone the Son of York himself.

And so, an unprecedented president in so many ways, Trump added another page to his cherished scrapbook of royal adventures.

The actual tangible benefits for the UK of the visit began to swim into focus on day two. The highlight was the signing of the so-called tech prosperity deal, a bilateral pact on artificial intelligence, nuclear energy and innovation. It promised to streamline regulations and spur investments, with US firms like Blackstone ($90 billion), Microsoft ($22 billion), and Google ($5 billion) committing over £150 billion to the UK – potentially creating 7,600 jobs. Many a slip between golden goblet and lip, but if this comes to fruition it will have been worth rolling out the 160-seat carpet for.

Starmer touted the deal as a ‘new era’ of transatlantic collaboration. Trump quipped it would make Britain the Silicon Valley of Europe, perhaps unaware that we already have a Fen that likes to see itself that way.

Britain and America are notoriously two nations divided by a common language – or rather, and more dangerously in my view, lured by that common language into seeing a common culture that really is not there. The attempted assassination of Trump and the actual assassination of Kirk illustrate the difference. It points not just to the availability of guns, but also to the psychological availability in the minds of some Americans to murder as a solution to ideological differences.

That is also reflected in the oratorical style of the two leaders on the second day. Trump stood and spoke like a sheriff with a couple of six shooters hanging at his sides. Starmer meanwhile was ready and willing to impose the ultimate sanction of the Saturday morning detention.

On illegal migration, Trump was clear – it’s the non-negotiable duty of any administration to protect its borders. Starmer tried to match this bravado but was betrayed by his woeful ‘one in, none out’ arrangement with the French.

For giving a clearer expression of Labour’s opposition to Hamas, Starmer received a hearty slap on the shoulder from Trump – a gesture that seemed in danger of winding and physically destabilising him.

Trump was equally unequivocal on Net Zero and the lunacy of wind farms. One felt briefly sorry for Starmer, being reminded in public of the fundamental need for cheap or even remotely affordable energy if one is to avoid slipping into irreversible deindustrialisation. At least energy secretary Ed Miliband was not mentioned by name. One suspects Trump’s views would have been as disobliging as his remarks about London mayor Sadiq Khan, whose absence from the banquet Trump had specifically demanded. As, to be fair, do I, whenever I receive such invitations.

But still, given the absurd anti-Trump messages Starmer and many of his front bench had posted on X and elsewhere while in opposition, relations between the two men seemed adequately cordial. And for an unrepentant old monarchist like me it was, following a tough year, reassuring to see an endlessly beleaguered royal family still able to put on a decent spread. God save the King!

Simon Evans is a spiked columnist and stand-up comedian. Tickets for his tour, Have We Met?, are on sale here.