Diary of a first-time non-voter, 24 May

I have noticed that there is money to be made in self-help manuals, so I am writing one to help wannabe politicians in their election campaigns.

This is an extract from How To Lose Friends And Put People Off.

Hair: A good haircut is very important – getting any haircut at the same time as a famous footballer gets a ridiculous tufty mohawk will make you look good. Haircuts should ideally be accompanied by a quirky line for use when asked about them – for example, ‘Grass doesn’t grow on a busy street’, as employed by William Hague. Note – mullets are very out.

Nails: These should be bitten down as far as possible to show how stressed out you are. Gordon Brown’s reported average of 0.46mm per nail is ideal.

Transport: When is comes to getting around, the rule is, the odder the better. Banana-vans and pick-up trucks are suggested.

Sleep: Sleep as little as possible and take regular ‘power naps’. Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy is a keen fan of power napping, and uses the technique of having little sleeps here and there to help him deal with the hectic schedule of his election campaign.

Shoes: To help her deal with a similarly punishing regime, Ann Widdecombe has purchased two new pairs of sensible shoes for her campaign. I read in the London Evening Standard that she fears they will both be worn through by 7 June – which only goes to show that sensible shoes should not be used as an alternative to power napping.

Nicknames: Getting one is essential – The Mummy, Fetus, Thumper, Two Jags, Two Jabs, etc.

Exercise: The best forms are short infrequent ‘walkabouts’ combined with an aggressive activity of your choice. Judo or punching people in the street are two suggestions.

Pop: Associating yourself with a popstar, especially one who injects herself with dubious substances, is a good idea. Tony Blair has connections with Geri Halliwell, who injects vitamins; and Michael Portillo told viewers of the Big Breakfast Show how much he likes Billie Piper – who injects herself with Chris Evans.

Be prepared: Conservative candidate Malcolm Rifkind told The Times (London) that campaigning is ‘like AIDS, there’s no known cure’.

Diet: It has to be fish and chips.

Disclaimer: The author accepts no responsibility if the consequences of following this advice include being on the receiving end of thrown eggs or insults.