Diary of a first-time non-voter

Forget ‘Pants to Poverty’ – it’s ‘Pants to Politics’ this week.

New Labour has made an advert portraying William Hague as the son of Satan – complete with music from horror flick The Omen playing in the background – in an attempt to scare us into voting Labour. (As part of these scare tactics, you will of course be able to cast your vote from behind the sofa.) I seem to remember the same trick being used by the TV show Gladiators, which fell back on music from The Omen whenever it needed to make less interesting games look a little more exciting.

Now I understand why the date of the election seems to be far more important than who or what is being elected. Think about it: if the election is postponed we’ll have to put up with stuff like New Labour’s mini-horror interrupting our Friday night viewing for even longer.

Call me naive, but I thought political parties were interested in winning debates, not ratings wars. Maybe I’ve missed something. Did everybody forget to tell me that the election has been cancelled and replaced with a Blue Peter-style competition? ‘Well, the Tories designed a very nice and colourful poster, but the boys and girls at New Labour win with their creative and witty advert….’

So if there is no politics left in the election what is it we’re meant to be voting for? I hope it’s not some kind of media award – I couldn’t bear to see adverts picturing Cherie Blair’s top falling open like the unfortunate Judy Finnigan with the accompanying slogan ‘Labour is X-rated’ popping up in the middle of Friends. Besides, if politics is about who can create the most entertaining TV, the politicians are on to a sure loser. Myleene, Kym, Danny and the rest have already won hands down.

Forget the pop, promos and scary music. What we need from the politicians is politics.