spiked-geist, 7 December

Vlad a wonderful world

Idols might be a little thin on the ground in old Mother Russia, but at least they have President Vladimir Putin as a Christmas calendar pin-up.

Putin’s calendar is snappily called ‘The 12 Moods of Putin’ and features the former KGB chief in a variety of poses – looking stern, thoughtful, or just Vlad to be gay (although strictly in the old-fashioned sense). There is even a picture of him in his judo kit – just the thing to Putin the Christmas stocking of any Kremlin apparatchik.

UK prime minister Tony Blair has decided to scrap plans for a calendar called ‘The 12 Moods of Tony’, in which the following pictures were due to appear:

January – sincere

February – really sincere

March – even more sincere than February

April – sincere while carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders

May – sincere, as in ‘Look into my eyes, can’t you see they’re open wide, would I lie to you baby, would I lie to you?’ (features Charles and Eddy)

June – as May, but in a slightly more business-like suit

July to December – lots more sincerity, but with a selection of different victims whose pain he can really feel….

Calendar shows 12 faces of Putin, CNN.com, 5 December 2001

Bin making history

Talking of high-profile portraits, there are rumors that Osama bin Laden (OBL) could be Time magazine’s ‘Man of the Year’ for 2001. According to the Washington Times, bin Laden is one of a dozen candidates under consideration. Not that Time thinks OBL is a great guy or anything, it’s just that he’s made the biggest impact on history this year – hence previous winners include Adolf Hitler (1938), Stalin (1939 and 1942) and Ayatollah Khomeini (1979).

The problem is, readers tend to see the ‘Man of the Year’ cover as an accolade, rather than a cool reflection of the year’s events. Let’s see if the editors can bring themselves to put George ‘Fly me to Nebraska, the towelheads are coming’ Bush on the cover instead.

Bin Laden could be Time’s Person of the Year, Washington Times, 30 November 2001

Dangers of the party season

Thinking of going a bit mad in the run-up to Christmas? Well, here are some cautionary tales….

The UK Sun says that the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents is recommending that merry office workers who can’t keep off the sauce should at least keep off the photocopier – to avoid getting their ass stuck in the glass. Apparently, the recent Virgin Mobile advert featuring ex-All Saint Melanie Blatt photocopying her bum was a dangerous example to set: ‘The advert is daft and irresponsible and we advise people not to try it.…We don’t want copying backsides to become this year’s festive trend.’

Meanwhile, a 31-year-old drunk in Bergen, Norway, who attacked a police officer blamed his behaviour not on celebrating the birth of Jesus, but on being so bladdered he thought he was Jesus. ‘I entered a fantasy world where I was Jesus and the police officer was Judas’, said the drunk. Funny, I don’t remember Jesus punching, kicking and biting Judas. Maybe they have a different edition of the Bible in Bergen.

And finally, the latest craze among clubbers in California – ketamine, or ‘Special K’. A powerful drug, used as a veterinary and medical anaesthetic (and not to be confused with the low-calorie breakfast cereal of the same name), it can induce hallucinations and even near-death experiences, and it can stop respiration. The Los Angeles Times reported on the drug’s devastating effects on regular users.

It brings to mind a conversation I had with an acquaintance from up North, who, after taking some ketamine, went to a party, annoyed everybody and got kicked out. In disgust, she returned a few minutes later and defecated on the doorstep.

‘I bet you won’t be doing Special K again!’, I foolishly said.

‘Bollocks, man! I’d love to get hold of some more of it.’ She’s not invited to my Christmas do….

‘A merry Xm-ass’, Sun, 6 December 2001

Drunken Jesus attacks police, Aftenposten Interaktiv, 5 December 2001

User of ‘Party’ Drug is Left a Shell of Self, Los Angeles Times, 3 December 2001