Dogs must be banned from all public places

It has come to my attention that certain people are talking about amending the ban on dogs in public places. They want, in other words, to go back to the unhealthy, smelly, and inconsiderate past. Well, all I can say is that certain people seem to have some very misguided ideas about ‘freedom’ and ‘rights’.

The Dog Ban is one of the greatest political achievements of the last 500 years. Any revision – even discussion – would be a devastating blow to public health. Not that this is necessarily about health. Let’s face it: dogs just stink, and the people who get so powerfully attached to them – for God knows what sick and twisted reasons – stink, too. They have no ‘right’ to inflict their vile addiction on me.

Anyway, this isn’t about personal taste, it’s about health! Within minutes of exposure to a dog, my eyes start to itch and then swell up. Within an hour, I will start to wheeze, and eventually have a full-blown asthma attack. It is possible that such an attack could kill me. There are millions of people with similar allergies. Dog owners are nothing less than murderers. Moreover, they are a minority, so who cares what they want?

Some people argue that it should be a publican’s choice whether or not to allow dogs in a pub. Some even go so far as to argue that a pub is not a public place, but private property. This is absurd. I am a member of the public, so if I decide to go into a place, it becomes a public place. It doesn’t belong to the landlord: it belongs to me! What’s more, the government has a moral obligation to legislate on behalf of right-thinking, dog-free people.

Other pathetic whinings from filthy dog-lovers include the idea that good, modern ventilation systems can remove any harm, or offence, from air polluted by dogs. This is probably just propaganda put about by the multimillion-pound pet-food industry. Come off it! If I can smell a dog, it is killing me. Even if I can’t smell it, I can see it, which causes me psychological distress. No ventilation system can do anything about that.

Then there is the idea of ‘separate rooms’ or even ‘separate venues’. Once again: don’t listen to propaganda – look at The Science. Studies have suggested that dog germs may be able to travel through walls, air ducts and electrical wires – even across streets and from one town to another. (I’m not sure of the exact details, but there was something about a ‘study’ in the newspaper and I liked the sound of it, so I’m sure it’s true.)

Anyway, what about fleas? These dog-besottted losers don’t seem to understand the concept of ‘choice’. I want, and deserve, the choice to be able to go into any pub, club, café, or restaurant I want, and be guaranteed a dog-free environment. Giving ‘choice’ to filthy, selfish dog addicts is an infringement of my rights.

Of course, I have nothing against dog addicts! I am a tolerant person. If they want to roll around in dog hair in their stinking homes, then good luck to them. Unless, of course, there are children present, in which case the dogs should be forcibly removed and shot. Likewise if the dog addict’s flat adjoins another. The same, naturally, goes for their cars. To have a dog in one’s car when a child is present is clearly a form of child abuse. Even non-asthmatic children are having their lives shortened by regular exposure to stinking dog germs.

Anyway, this isn’t about health or personal taste, it’s about setting a good example to children! Dog imagery on TV and displays of dog products in shops, for instance, must be banned. They can only encourage children to actually want a dog – even to think that such desires are normal. And what sort of example is set by dogs freely running around in open-air spaces such as parks, urinating and defecating all over the place? Not only that, but, in case you haven’t noticed, dogs bite. Have you ever seen a leg amputated because of gangrene? It’s not funny.

Still, you know the kind of things dog addicts say: ‘MY dog is a NICE dog’, or ‘I’ll clean up after it’, or ‘I’ll keep it on a leash’. Well, maybe they will, and maybe they won’t. We can’t depend on the ‘good will’ of these selfish morons. The Ban must, and will, be extended to outside areas as soon as possible. And it has to be a total ban, with no exceptions. That’s the only way to be fair.

So, don’t listen to the pro-dog lobby. The Ban is here to stay, and now we can all move on to the next logical step: getting rid of filthy, stinking, fat, unhealthy, noisy, violent, drunken drinkers. A ban on alcohol in pubs is long overdue.

Joe Jackson is a musician and writer. He is a supporter of Save Our Pubs & Clubs: AmendTheSmokingBan.com, a cross-party campaign that wants amendments to the current smoking ban in Britain. An earlier version of this article was published on The Free Society.