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February
2001 | Net lovin' - no e-fun
The first response to my ad on Web Personals was from a single mother in Plymouth who wanted to know if I was really six foot, because 'so many blokes seem to grow a few inches in these forums - and not just in height'. | | by Brendan O'Neill |
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'Using the web is a lot less nervewracking for making first contact. You might be nervous about making a phone call, but you can send an email saying hello with very little emotional effort.'
| Guy Morris, operations director for Dateline UK (1), has good reason to be positive about internet dating. Dateline has been 'partnering people' since 1966, but after its first six months online in 1997 it had only 168 clients and 1079 hits a day. By early 2000, its online clientele had risen to 1142, with its site receiving 10,000 hits a day. 'And the numbers keep rising', says Morris.
| Dotcom companies may be falling through the net, but online dating is big business. When I logged on to webpersonals.com (2) (for research purposes, you understand) on Saturday 10 February, there were 5111 people on the site at the same time; 218,477 messages had been posted in the previous 24 hours; and 29,995 new members had signed up in the past 10 days. According to one report, 'The impact that the web is having on dating conventions is such that "we met over the net" is fading as an admission of desperation and fast becoming a standard line'. (3)
| A standard line? It's not one that I have ever heard, even in our supposedly IT-driven world. At dinner parties it's rare enough to meet Janet and Paul who met through a traditional dating agency, never mind JT34 and BigBoy who met through FancyAShag?.com. Online dating may be popular, but it has less to do with dating in the real sense (trying out different partners, finding Ms Right, developing a relationship), and more to do with flirting from the safety of your browser - involving, as Guy Morris points out, 'very little emotional effort'.
| 'In many ways online dating wins hands down over the traditional method', says OneSaturday.com's guide to online dating (4). 'The anonymity of the net means you can become an arch seducer on screen without the risk of embarrassment or rejection, and avoid the awkwardness and self-consciousness that can sabotage a face-to-face encounter.' You may be shy, awkward and not quite an oil painting in the real world, but in the virtual world you can transform yourself into an Italian Stallion who leaves a trail of satisfied women in his wake.
| But isn't it a bit sad? Fine if you want to go around pretending to be somebody else, but it writes off the possibility of ever meeting up for a bit of the real thing. If your online tag is 'Musclebound of Manchester' when in fact you're a wally from Whalley Range, you're not likely to hook up with any of the women who have been impressed by your virtual prowess - unless you fancy a smack in the chops. I posted an ad on webpersonals.com (for research purposes, you understand), and the first response came from a single mother in Plymouth who wanted to know if I was really six foot, because 'so many blokes seem to grow a few inches in these forums - and not just in height [followed by a wink]'.
| But, enthusiasts will argue, the anonymity of the net allows singletons to become more confident and well-spoken [sic] - avoiding the awkward silences and stilted conversations of the crowded bar. 'If you're too busy, too shy, or simply too lazy to venture out into the world and extend your social circle', says OneSaturday.com, 'online dating is for you. No more seedy bars, inept passes or atrocious chat-up lines. With online dating, all you have to do to pull is log on'. Which makes you wonder what precisely gets 'pulled' when the 'shy and lazy' log on.
| Surely the point of dating is to 'venture out into the world and extend your social circle' - that is, meet people. It might involve 'seedy bars', dozy chat-up techniques and a bit of coyote ugly, but that's par for the course. The attraction of online dating seems to be that you can avoid the messy business of actually meeting people (God forbid), talking to them (how awful) and indulging in a tongue sandwich as you kiss them goodnight (yuk!) - in favour of a safer, more sanitised, virtual version that ends when you switch your computer off.
| Like 'Goldust', who responded to my ad on webpersonals.com, seeking some 'e-fun' (nothing to do with the drug apparently) and some 'net lovin''. 'Over a secure connection you can have the time of your life', says 'Trisha', a net dater who cites WayTooPersonal.com (5) as her favourite site. 'Cyber-dating is safer, sexier and simpler.' And sadder.
| Now if you don't mind I have some emails to follow up. For research purposes, you understand.
Brendan O'Neill is coordinating the spiked-conference Panic attack: Interrogating our obsession with risk, on Friday 9 May 2003, at the Royal Institution in London.
(1) Dateline UK
(2) Web Personals
(3) Guardian10 February 2000
(4) One Saturday,
Guide to Online Dating
(5) Way Too Personal
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