In one episode of The Simpsons, Homer is depressed after losing his job as a mascot, whining that 'it's the only thing I'm good at'. Consoling him, Marge points out that he is also good at 'snuggling'. 'Yes, but my friends can't watch', he complains.
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The fact that sex is generally done in private makes it a difficult subject for TV to handle, even without the constraints of censorship. Still, most drama producers seem to feel obliged to give it a bash, if only to show that they aren't afraid to do so. And there is no shortage of graphic documentaries on the subject either.
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I hate sex on TV. As an atheist and a libertarian, I have no moral objection: I guess I'm just sentimental. In any case, I won't recommend Sex: the Annabel Chong Story (Channel 4, Saturday, 11.10pm GMT), a documentary about a record-breaking porn star (don't ask). Somehow less objectionable is the quietly crappy erotic output on Channel 5, typified by The Nightman (Saturday, 11.50pm) and Bedroom Confidential (Thursday, 11pm).
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In the age of the internet there is no good reason to be cluttering up a public medium like TV with this tat, but at least Channel 5 doesn't have public service pretensions.
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Channel 4 is at it again on Sunday with the film Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love (10pm). This is supposed to be a proper film about love and betrayal and yadda, yadda, yadda, but really it's a prelude to Position Impossible: In Search of the Kama Sutra - a new series beginning on Wednesday (9pm), which is itself a prelude to the endlessly repetitive but not very stimulating Sex and the City (10pm).
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Position Impossible takes Sanjeev Bhaskar to darkest Khajuraho and Cornwall to find out about various forms of unpleasantness. Better to flip over: The Vice comes to a premature but enjoyable climax on ITV at 9pm.
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Tuesday brings the final episode of Better Sex, Channel 4's series on Relate's sex therapy course (10pm). This has been inoffensive if somewhat cringe-making: 'Were your parents open about sex when you were a child?' Please, no! The general idea is that sexual hang-ups are a bad thing and that 'sensual massage' is the answer. Well, okay, but it seems to me that some people could do with some sexual hang-ups.
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Temptation Island (Sky One, Sundays, 9pm) is billed as 'the most outrageously ground-breaking television show since Big Brother'. Oh, brother! For those lucky souls who aren't expected to know about these things, the show features American couples who are taken to a special resort where they are pestered by fallen women and unchivalrous men in an effort to 'test their relationship'. I'd say it was cruel if the contestants weren't such unbelievable dufusses.
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Sky TV is advertising for participants in a prospective UK version of the show. 'Are you having doubts about your own relationship and want to put it to the test?' Are you insane?
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Dolan Cummings is publications editor at the Institute of Ideas, and editor of Culture Wars. He is also the editor of Reality TV: How Real Is Real?, Hodder Murray, 2002 (buy this book from Amazon (UK) or Amazon (USA)).
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spiked-issue: TV
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